Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Bros before Ohioes

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

i actually laughed 😩

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”