I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
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🦝🔥🦝🔥
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The first one, obviously
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.