I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
This kid is going places
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
