I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
