I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
