I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.