I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail