I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen