Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

My support group can outdrink your support group.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*