I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
emergency phone
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
May have had one breakfast too many
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
it’s finally my moment to shine
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
“Sheer Arrogance”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.