I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
When you’re here for the treats.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.