Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Whisper out to librarians!

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.