I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Nothing.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.