I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one