I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Time for evil
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.