I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.