Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

*frowns in Scottish*

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich