I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
🌲😼
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”