Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

11: dad I have a confession

me: oh boy. What.

11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time

me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?

9: I paid him off in nachos

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

Yep.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.