I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof