I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
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Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Duck typos.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.