I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.