I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.