Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

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Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.