Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

first you must answer his riddles

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas