Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Otters drive ottermobiles.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself