I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Sunday
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success