I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.