“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
You Might Also Like
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.