@putyoursisterd1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@jessokfine

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

@karanbirtinna

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

@philEfanaddict

The first thing they teach you in AA is to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.

@AdderallMomma

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.