I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard