Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.