Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

He’s cranky this morning

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!