Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

date: I’m an expert in volcanology

me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am