Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

🐟✨ #re4

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

*puts my mental health in rice

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert