Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs