I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: