I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.