I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
per my last wtf
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.