I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Frog purse.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth