Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

Miscakes

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.