I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Go girl power!
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something