I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
