I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.