Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?