Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them