I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum