Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

be safe out there!

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

#SuperBowl

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.