Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that