murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything