Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

this post was so formative to me

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.