I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.