Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go hard or stay average

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋