I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry