Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it