Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.