I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value