I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Guilty! 🤪
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Guy who likes music
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.