Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Guantanamo Bae

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Erm I’m gonna say no

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.