Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goldfish mafia

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

May have had one breakfast too many

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.