Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Children of the corn 🌽

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?