Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…