I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.