I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.