I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.