i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
