I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Safety first
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons