I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
me and the Superbowl rn
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*