I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
@funTweeters
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.