I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
yall want some gasoline milk
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.